Friday, September 23, 2016

Things only a person that has lost both parents will understand...

There are some things in life that just suck and you can not do anything about. Losing both parents before you turn 30 is something I never thought would happen to me. My parents divorced when I was very young and I lived with my dad so I was a lot closer to him. I spent summers with my mom whenever I could but it was not something I enjoyed. Growing up I always felt like my other siblings were closer to my mom then I would ever be but thats ok I thought. I had my dad and I did not need anyone else. When I was eighteen I found out my mom had cancer and it was pretty far along. It was lung cancer which more than likely was from her smoking for thirty years including through all her preganicies. Thanks mom! I was not really sure how to feel but I just dealt with it. She died a year later and I was still ok because my dad was there for me. My siblings did not handle it well but I moved on with my life. When I was 28 I had another blow that almost destroyed me. My dads death was sudden and unexpected. At least with my mom I knew it was coming. As a firefighter, my dad put his life on the line everyday and I never thought about it. I was such a proud daughter. My dad was literally a hero. The day he had his accident he was fighting a grass fire trying to save someones house. He collapsed on the job and never woke up. He was in the ICU for eight days and we had to make the decision to let him go. The year after my dads death was the worse. I had so much anger. Only now that it has been 5 years am I able to move on. This is something I never thought would happen to me. For the longest time I wasnt sure how to survive without a parent to guide me. There are so many things that other people do not understand.

1. When I hear you talk about your own parents I HATE YOU!!
Ok so maybe hate is a strong word. Most of my friends and my cousins still have both of their parents and when they mention them I hate that my mind gets so angry. So you have two parents and they may not be perfect but they are still alive. So please do not talk bad about them or avoid them. They want to be in your life. Let them. I still replay the last conversation I had with my dad. I wish I could have changed it.

2. I feel like an orphan even though I am an adult.
I feel so lost all the time. Even after 5 years I still fell like picking up the phone and telling my dad about my day. I randomly feel lonely even with a room full of people. My husband doesn't even understand. And even though I am married I worry that no one would care if anything happens to me. My dad always worried about me.

3. No one will be good enough
I never really had this problem with my mom but I did with my dad. Not only did I compare my dad and my husband but also my in-laws. Whenever my husband does something I do not like I think my dad would never do that. Or my dad would be so much better about that. My husband dad is pretty horrible for a dad but my husband still wants to be around him. I guess I get that but I am constantly thinking why did my dad die when your dad is this horrible and he is still wondering around. At one time I even wished my sister would have died instead of my dad. He was my best friend.

Just know this. No one will ever understand what you are going through. Weddings, babies and everything important will be without your parents. Its sucks but life just does not seem to care.

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